So many thoughts bouncing around my head as I woke this morning. I'm not even sure where to begin organizing them into a coherent writing. Perhaps I go back to a job interview I had a couple of years ago where they asked me what my weakness was. A fairly standard question in interviews. I had certainly had it posed to me before. My response that time was i could become too focused. Tunnel vision. This morning I realized, among other things, how true this is.
In Agust of 2019 I died. After 13 minutes I was brought back to life. I'm a fighter and for 16 months I have fought to recover and get stronger. I'm not sure I will ever be as strong as I once was in a physical sense although I still focus on being stronger than ever before. I do recognize that intellectually and emotionally I am stronger. Certainly spiritually although that too has been a struggle.
There have been increasing times over these past few months where had openly questioned why God saw fit to bring me back from the dead to carry on life here on earth. This doubt has centered around home life and what has appeared to be a deteriorating relationship with my wife. She stood beside throughout my medical travails rarely leaving my bedside. A constant companion. To some like myself who is admittedly a bit of a loner this can be a tad suffocating.
As fate would have it, I returned to work in November 2019 and shortly thereafter my wife began work at a new job an hour away. For convenience sake and practicality she stayed at her parents place while they were in Florida. I freely admit to enjoying the freedom of being on my own and having to fend for myself that I enjoyed during that time. It wasn't that I didn't miss my wife or was ungrateful of all she had done to support me while I was ill. No, I was experiencing a thrill of being able to fend for myself! I was healing and not having her to rely on to do basically everything for me was exhilarating to me. It lifted me emotionally and spiritually. It forced me to get stronger physically... and mentally. It was during this period that I very much became aware I was going to be okay.
When the Covid19 pandemic took root and people began working remotely, my wife returned home. It was great having her back full time instead of just on weekends! It was long before the trouble began though. While living independently 5 days a week I had established my own routines. These worked well for me. When the wife returned I think she expected to step right back into the mothering and protective role she had filled before her new job altered our home life. I wanted to continue to progress and expand my responsibilities. That squabbling soon ensued as our individual realities clashed.
At some point in these proceedings I must have made a comment about having enjoyed being on my own those weeks she stayed at her parents place. I certainly did not mean I wanted the separation to continue and my intent was not to hurt my wife's feelings. My reference was to enjoying the recovery process and progress. However, My wife did not take it that way. She did not tell me I had hurt her feelings. I remember no confrontation about it what so ever. No doubt part of the reason for this is the innocence of my intent in making it. I was getting stronger and did not need or want her help in every single aspect of my life any longer. I wanted her to know I was getting stronger and could do things on my own once again. I wanted her to appreciate that and so, I communicated openly and honestly about this.
In soccer referee circles there is a well know story of a collegiate woman's player who seemingly for no apparent reason grabbed the ponytail of an opponent and yanked her to the ground. When the story of why she had done so finally surfaced we learned it was because of an incident that took place outside of soccer over a year before. Really? Yes, indeed. And this is a primary difference between men and women, in my ever so humble opinion.
You see, I have been through six months or more of living hell. Our marriage of 35 years has descended to depths that I could never have imagined. It seems every time I speak I am either ignored or informed how wrong I am about what I just said. We're not talking about weighty topic or big decisions either. I began to feel as if my wife was intentionally picking fights with me and I had no idea why? I then began to wonder if she had strayed - I didn't believe so, but would could be driving her venomous attitude towards me? Finally I began to consider if her Jekyll and Hyde demeanor with me was an indication of addiction or a mental, emotion or physical breakdown or ailment. I was at my wits end and having tried everything I could think of to figure out what was going on I was bottoming out.
***
Yesterday, after a pleasant day delivering Christmas dinner to our children and their spouse / significant others we returned home and BOOM! the squabbling started up immediately. I twice communicated pertinent information to my wife and she exhibited such hostility to me I was taken aback. Why the instantaneous change in attitude? What in the world had I done this time? I walked outside and around the yard a bit. Turned on the Christmas lights. I was trying to think this situation through. When the garage door opened and she came outside I could tell by her physical attitude she was looking to carry the fight to me still.
Over the preceding months I had tried to initiate conversations about the situation with her. Each time these had devolved into her becoming even angrier and madder at me. I just couldn't gain a foothold in attempting to make things better. I became well, if not afraid , then certainly leery of saying anything around her. I did not overtly avoid her, but I also did not seek out her companionship around the house. And, yes, there were times when after a stressful day at work I dreaded returning home to do battle with her yet again in what had become a war I had no idea why I had to fight.
Yesterday afternoon in the garage I stated to her that I needed some information from her. I asked why the sharing of pertinent information with her had so upset her today. Over the next few minutes it seemed she took umbrage with my delivery or manner of communicating with her. This came up at least 3 different times. Okay, I can work on my delivery. This is tangible information I can try to do something with, but I sensed this was window dressing. I still didn't know what the real issue was.
I took a chance and pointed out that communication is a shared responsibility. I embraced her assertion that I had been communicating ineffectively and pointed out the reception portion of communicating is every bit as important as the delivery. I thought I saw an crack in her resolve to punish me for whatever transgression I had committed against her.
***
The past week had been stressful on many levels. I deal personally with approximately 450 different people on a daily basis at work. In the midst of this pandemic and with consideration to my health struggles the last 16 months this is daily stress I might could do without. Then, I entered into an agreement to purchase a new truck. A truck I was not opposed to purchasing, but also not wild about purchasing. The purchase was driven by a desire to please my wife - we needed a new vehicle to tow our camper. The woman loves to camp. End of the year promotions and low interest rates made it a prudent time to buy as did the apparent outcome of the recent presidential election - the economy will tank under Joe Biden / Democrat governing. Get locked in now instead of in the spring. I reached verbal and written (email) agreement with representatives of the dealership to purchase the truck. I was to return the following day with money in hand and sign the paperwork. As I began the half hour trip to the dealership I received a phone call from teh salesman stating they had sold the truck to someone else. I was pissed.
Over the next couple of days there were exchanges with the sales manager whose decision it was to break our agreement and sell to someone else. In the end, he admitted to having behaved very unprofessionally and asked to be allowed to make it up to me. I began the process of forgiving.
***
During our conversation in the garage yesterday it finally came out that I had said something about having enjoyed the time apart from my wife last winter and this had hurt her feelings. These past few months of hell she has put me through have been all about that? I do not even recall the spefici conversation that set this off. I know the sentiment was not negatively directed at my wife but was one of exuberance at rediscovering I could do for myself. I was recovering and going to be okay! She didn't take it that way, obviously.
I flashed back to the college soccer player who puled her opponent to the ground by the ponytail over something that had happened a year before. I also flashed back to the situation with the car dealer this past week. I ended up buying from another dealer, but before doing so had communicated with the sales manager from the first dealer agreeing to give him a chance to make things right. He wasn't able to find a similar truck to the one he sold out from underneath me, but was working on it when I located the one I eventually bought. Forgiveness... and as immediate as I could make it.
***
Forgiveness is not always an immediate event. It can a lot of dedication and perseverance to forgive. I have been hurt deeply by a few people over the course of 60 years of life. Some of those people I have had to forgive repeatedly only to have something trigger negative feelings towards that person again. Then I start the forgiveness process again. Maybe I never truly or fully forgave in the first place, but I have made the effort to do so.
Then there's my wife. My companion for nearly 40 years now. I have forgiven her countless times. I've worked hard on our relationship over the years. I have committed to her, forever. She has hurt me terribly a few times over the years, yet I have forgiven her because my love for her just runs that deep. I don't know that she has ever held a grudge and been as vindictive as she has consistently been these past few months. I must have hurt her deeply. Not intentionally so, but what my intentions were irrelevant. I wish she had come to me and told me I had hurt her. I had thought our relationship was strong enough to support her doing so. The time spent apart must have weakened our relationship to an extent she could not bring herself to come to me with her pain. Forgiveness was obviously not in her heart.
I cannot take back the words I uttered to bring her such great pain.
Whoever said "actions speak louder than words" didn't know what the hell they were talking about for everything I have done to express my love and devotion to my wife has been negated by one utterance. My actions have not spoken louder than my words. What I spent two thirds of my life building has been ripped apart in an instant. I don't know if she can get past what I viewed as a purely innocent and truthful expression of my excitement at recovering from traumatic illness to something beginning to resemble a normal life.
***
The road to hell truly is paved with good intentions.
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